Beauty For Ashes

How many times have I talked about depression?  Well, plenty really.  I feel like it is a subject that I will never fully understand and thus, I must talk about it now and again.

I haven’t been having to much trouble with the blues or worse but I have begun to notice certain “shifts” if you will, of moods when things happen.  For example, the weather is very cold, not very pretty and I am cooped up inside more than I would like because of it.  Thus, I experience depressive mood swings more.  I’ve know this for awhile but the cool thing is, I am able to pinpoint what exactly is going on and make some adjustments to keep on top of it a little better.  For example:  in the past I would feel depressed and I would sit and worry about why and how this is going down.  Today is different.  I am able to see that there is nothing major going on in my heart that should lead me into a cycle of depression and me bashing.  It is simply due to the cold weather and being sick. 

The solution is simple really.  I take extra care of myself and pay special attention to where I am at spiritually(I have a good quite time, journal, read my Bible or life verses), emotionally(I take a personal inventory of what is going on in my heart and do my best to chuck the junk with God’s help, find some things to be thankful for, email a friend, go hang with my husband, play with my kids, or take a time out), and physically(how much sugar have I eaten lately?  When was the last time I took a walk? Am I doing my best to eat whole foods and stay away from refined carbs?)

I don’t say “the solution is simple” lightly.  What I mean is that I have some personal check lists that I am learning to evaluate before I panic, throw my hands in the air, crawl into bed and cry.  That is a change for me.  Winter time is one of the times of year that I am becoming very aware of how I can slide down the path of deep, ugly, pit type depression.  It is a hard time for me.  The holidays conjure up quite a lot of personal pain and loss so I am always a little anxious to get through.  Each year seems to be a bit better. 

Why do I share this stuff with you?  Well, I know there are some out there lurking and reading who may struggle with the same tendancy toward depression that I do.  My purpose is simply to continue dialoging about it and what I do with it in the hopes that, if per chance, someone in the middle of the dark part of depression reads this, they know they aren’t alone and that another person in the world battles the dark pit and is living through and above it depending on the day.

I never take for granted anymore that I won’t slip back down into that mire but at the same time, I see that there is positively hope that I don’t have to stay there.

Wow! The last couple of weeks have gone quickly.  This new schedule has been working out well.  I think I told you in my previous post about the craziness that would be my life this year.  I have to tell you it hasn’t been difficult at all, just busy.

M and C are doing great in school and out.  M is in gymnastics (I just remembered I need to go buy her a liatard(can’t spell that…sorry) before this afternoon, oops) and she loves it.  She is doing well with her homework and will be joining her teachers student marimba band in the mornings. 

C loves his teacher and all she does.  He comes home with stories about “camps” he has attended and science experiments he has been involved in.  He told me yesterday that he wants to be a scientist when he grows up.  He is also loving his maritial arts classes and is improving each time we go.  He has been invited to be in the black belt club so we will plan to do that in October I think.

I started college this week.  I am taking one class and couldn’t be more excited that I actually got in it from the waiting list.  It is a beginning metalcraft class and we will be doing small sculptures, jewelry and stuff like that.  I am just so excited!  I’ll tell you more as I get into it. 

In addition to my new college course, I have taken up water aerobics with one of my girlfriends.  We have been going for about a week and a half and I LOVE it!  It is hard work but my body is changing shape again which is really nice.  I must admit I am pretty tired but it is such a good kind of tired.  So now I walk the butte 3 days a week and play in the pool at least 3 days a week.  I think we are still trying to figure out our pool schedule. 

T and I are back into the routine of helping out with AWANAs this year at our church.  As always the first week is crazy but to be honest it wasn’t as crazy as I remembered in previous years.  The kids had a blast and because of all the work the kids will be doing, we, being T and I, challenged M and C to a friendly competition.  The goal is to see who can complete the most books for AWANA this year.  We haven’t figured out what the big prize should be yet but it has to be something really big because this competition isn’t going to be easy for anyone, especially the mommy whose brain is like a steal trap….that’s been rusted shut for a few years.

On a little different front, I posted a few weeks ago about my PMDD issue and the meds I was given to deal with that.  I am happy to report that I have not been very grumpy or angry.  It has been fantastic.  I have a bit more time to go with it but so far, my family is seeing a pretty dramatic difference in my attitude this month.  There is hope!

Lastly , my camera has been fixed and is en route back into my longing hands as we speak.  I have missed my beloved camera dearly and can’t wait to go shoot 10,000 pictures!  I am overjoyed…well actually, I’m just plain giddy!

Well for now.  Those are my updates.  I will post pictures soon.

Well, it’s time for me to humiliate, I mean become an open book with you once again.  What I am about to talk to you about is a bit heavy, no pun intended and a bit difficult but important none the less. 

I finally had my appointment with a Psychiatrist - he’s the guy who is a medical doctor as well as a counselor, he can give drugs - anyway, I have had this appointment for 2 1/2 months and have dreaded it a bit.  It’s kind of one of those things where I fear he is going to meet me, tell me there is no hope for my issue and send me on my way.  My regular doc refered me to him.  He felt unqualified to be able to best decide what or if I needed psychotripic drugs based on the fact that the one he gave me has some side effects that have been driving me bananas.  So much so that I took myself off.  The side effects that have gotten to me are that my ears were ringing so loudly it was hard to hear anyone talk at times.  The other one was intense nighmares which make an already insomniac prone lady absolutely dread sleep.

Anyway, the psychiatrist was very professional which was a nice change and straight to the point which was refreshing.  He gave me quite a few options for my depression but recommended that I stay off anything unless I have another “episode”.  The main reason for that is simply that I am not symptomatic right now and it would be difficult to regulate the drugs when there isn’t much in the way of symptoms.  He seemed a little hesitant and confused by my answers to his questions.  It left me a little discouraged and yet happy that he doesn’t just throw drugs at you because he can. 

Toward the end of my consultation with him I mentioned the cyclical emotions that coincide with my femaleness.  He lit up and told me that there is absolutely help with that.  I could have cried when he said this.  He told me that what I am experiencing is PMDD.  I’ve seen commercials about it on TV and thought that is what I experience but in taking my symptoms to my regular doc he basically tells me PMDD is not valid and won’t deal with it.  Having this psychiatrist look at me, tell me I’m not crazy and that there is hope to ease it a bit is terrific!

There are 2 to 3 weeks out of the month that I am angry, nasty and a general monster, or at least it feels that way.  I usually don’t have a good reason for it but can come up with the darndest things during this time frame.  My attitude stinks and everyone in my house walks on eggshells.  In addition I fight huge tention and migrain headaches as well as a plethura of other symptoms that disappear when I get my period.  I have wondered at times if my depression is more due to hormones, the nasty woman I turn into and the guilt over how awful I am when it’s over with than anything.  Granted there have been some pretty major things in my life that could lead to heavy boughts of depression but still I have wondered. 

I ran across this article on PMDD if your interested.  I am continuing to look into it and to be quite frank would love to find a natural way to take care of these issues but for now, if the meds this doc prescribed help, I know my husband will be ever so grateful, my kids will be jazzed and, well, I will fall on my face with thanksgiving. 

Dear friends, I know that depression and the stufff that surrounds it can be horribly uncomfortable and hard to listen to and frankly, it is equally difficult to talk about from my side so I really appreciate how encouraging you all have been.

Today it feels like fall is on the way.  I don’t want to admit it.  It doesn’t seem quite time yet but the weather is definately cooling down.  School will start in two weeks and what will I do? 

I have been in a pensive mood over the last few days with a bit of grumpy and confused thrown in for good measure.  My children are treading lightly and T brought me flowers last night.  It was very sweet and I so needed them. 

One of the signs of struggle in me is the inability to get past organizing and cleaning to do anything creative.  I am there, again.  I am not quite sure why I’m stuck where I am, feeling overwhelmed by everything.  I guess it is probably that I am on the cusp of making some decisions about my creative work.  Fear is my companion right now and lack of confidence is holding my other hand.  I have some things that I make that have been requested for sale.  I have no idea how to do that part.  If I could just be the eccentric artist and forget about the sales person part, I would be a happy person. 

Realistically, I do need to start selling some of my work if I am going to have the funds to continue to create.  That is another part of my slump.  I have a bazaar coming up in November.  I have been asked to put something in it but the person who is running the bazaar is not content to let me put in what I want to put in and keeps pushing me to do more and make more.  That excites me and makes me mad all at the same time.  As a busy wife and mom, I can only do what I can do.  As an artist, I want to do it all!

So far what I have come up with are some lovely notecards with some of my photos.  I am not sure whether to sell them individually or as a grouping.  Each photo is mounted on a background mat of complimentary color and they make for some stunning cards if I do say so myself.  

   These are just a few of the pictures I’m using.  I don’t have all of them loaded on my flickr account.  The other things I am planning to make and sell are my boxes.  I am currently working on some artwork for the cards that I put inside of them.  Here are some pictres of a couple of boxes I have made.

 

 

The boxes are something I love to make.  I put my heart into them and everyone turns out a little differently. 

If you have any thoughts about stuff to make, please comment.  I would love to hear your thoughts.

I have been asked on several different occassions lately how my depression is.  Well, that is a bit difficutl to answer.  I recently read a book about a comedienne who also suffers from depression.  In one chapter she talked about the fact that she learned that no matter how she felt, she needed to keep going and doing the things that her routine required.  Life doesn’t stop because she wants to go to bed.  I think that statement pretty much encapsulates my walk through depression. 

 Really the long answer to how my depression is is that it depends on the day.  I do feel better most of the times and certainly don’t suffer from the incomparable darkness like I did for a while.  It does happen from time to time, the darkness, but I have noticed that I am usually very tired and haven’t had a quiet time in a while.  I am learning to sit quietly with God when those dark hours hit.  I am finding those times to be precious, though very hard.

 For now, I continue to try to do my routine whether I feel like it or not and you know what?  At the end of the day I am always glad. 

“Choose Life”.  It is a phrase associated with the anti-abortion movement but it has been a phrase that I have heard much over the past little bit of time.  “Choose Life” as oppossed to choosing death.  Choose life as oppossed to choosing a lifestyle. 

Reflecting on this phrase brings the picture of a vast desert to my mind.  A place that can be brutal yet so beautiful.  A place where their are no confines, preconcieved notions about how to survive that cannot be defied.  A place where many just see sand, hot sun and death yet their is life.  In the evening their are firery sunsets, in the morning peaceful breezes.   Under the sand lies life giving water.

Enter into the desert with care.  Your life will depend upon it.  Live outside the confines of your corsetted life.  Recognize and appreciate the provision for living that God provides.  Learn to love and appreciate that which you once thought ugly, useless and draining.  Learn where to find shelter from the hot sun and live. 

Choose life.  Life, the very word exhudes a feeling of movement.  Not of running at full tilt but of a slow dance, a contious appreciation of the very now we are in. 

Choose life means taking off blinders to those things we don’t want to see and that are difficult to look at and breathing in the potential of every moment.  The hope that the shriveled old prune can with the mysterious touch of God be reborn into a ripe, juicy plum.  The hopes that the bad choices we make can, no will, with the life giving breath of God, be turned into valuable truths to effect the world and turn faces toward a God who loves us deeply.

Choose life means making each day an adventure.  An adventure to a far off land, an adventure in learning, an adventure in peace, an adventure in scrubbing toilets, an adventure in the smile of a child, an adventure in discovering a new facet of God’s love, an adventure in the moments, an adventure.

Choose life…

I’m struggling a bit with my “mood” today.  Always seems to be a struggle on Wednesdays…

The best way I can think to combat it is to talk to God about it, have a little bit of quiet time where I can just be without feeling pressure to put a smile on…I don’t feel like smiling for no particular reason and finally to think on those things which have been blessings to me lately.  Here I go, lets see how long I can make it.

1. T didn’t take the job at the other medical place in town because he got a better offer where he is at.  In addition, they gave him everything he has dreamt of doing.  We both feel totally peaceful about him staying where he’s at as oppossed to the knot in my gut everytime I thought of him starting a new job at the other place. 

2. Our remodel is almost done.  It looks beautiful but beyond that, it has been a marriage builder rather than a marriage breaker.  T has done such a fantastic job of laying the flooring.

3. Our guest has gone and left feeling like he had the time of his life.  I’m glad.  I’m also glad that he left knowing that this is not his home and he needs to act like a gracious guest. 

Though I didn’t handle the situation perfectly, I am pleased at the outcome.

4. The sun continues to shine and the beautiful fall leaves are striking against the bluest of blues in our Central Oregon sky. 

5. There is snow on our mountains and again, they show the wonder and creativity in God.  Something that I appreciate so much!

6. I live in a place where I can walk outside in relative safety at nearly any time of day without fear of being raped or killed, unlike the women and children in Darfur (Sudan Africa)

7. I have a beautiful Golden Retriever named Abbie who I have fallen head over heals in love with.

8. My children are healthy and my relationship with each of them is developing and blossoming.  My confidence as a Mom is being built and I am so grateful for wisdom God instills and abundantly grateful for friends to learn from when my widsom falls short

9. I have THE BEST husband in the world…enough said

10. I learned how to knit these really cool little hats because I have a terrific friend who likes to sit, talk, teach and knit all at the same time.  She is a kindred spirit and I am so grateful for her friendship.

11. I have had some tough times in my life and I am grateful for them because now I can relate to some things that people around me go through.  I love that because of my struggles, people know that when I talk about my faith it is a faith that has been and will be tested by fire.  When I encourage hurting souls to look to God, I love that it is with confidence and experience that I can point to Jesus and say that he won’t let you down.  He’ll walk through it with you.  He knows!

12. Some of the little boxes that I have made, have made a diffence.  God’s Word is living and true.  I feel totally humbled and grateful that I can be a part of bringing a little joy to dark days.

13. Five years ago, it exhausted me to walk 1 mile on my level treadmill.  One year ago, it exhausted me to even consider walking 1 mile to the top of our Butte.  This week, I walked 1 1/2 miles around the track at the bottom of the Butte, ran into one of my friends and continued on up to the top of the Butte.  I am walking up that Butte at least 2x per week and I am beyond amazed (it makes me cry) and grateful that I can do this. 

14. I wouldn’t be able to do number 13 if I didn’t have the friends that I have cheering me on even when I growl at them.  They have made a huge difference in my life!  Thanks girls! (Carrie I am bringing a 50lb bag of rice to strap to you next time we walk the Butte just so I can keep up with you)

I hope your day is terrific and you are enjoying your fall.

 

I feel like I bare my soul on this blasted blog.  It is pure compulsion, the hope that other’s out there can see my “realness” and need for God and somehow be moved.

So anyway, back to this laying myself bare thing…this weekend was, as everything this year has been, strange.  I spent my time with family members that I haven’t seen eye to eye with in quite some time and it was pleasant and even fun at times.  Strange.

In addition, I had a prayer answered and I finally “got” something.  A few months ago, I prayed that God would help me develop a love and compassion for the old folks in our world.  I have struggled to understand some of the mental processes and emotional developments that happen as we get old.  Why some age so gracefully yet others turn into, well, lets just say there is nothing gracefull about them. 

I have two grandparents that are complete opposites in this aging process yet nearly the same age.  My grandpa and my mother’s side is in his mid 80’s and so full of joy and life.  I LOVE to be with him and just the thought of him has strengthened me at some pretty down times.  He has made me feel so loved.  He has had cancer, chemo and the loss of all body hair and yet, loves to laugh.  He inspires me!

On the flip side is my grandma on my Dad’s side.  She has turned in on herself and has been this way for nearly 10 years.  Hoping for death to claim her only to be hindered by being about as healthy as a horse.  She is in great physical and emotional pain due to depression.  This weekend I watched her wilt. 

We were in Portland and we stopped in to see her on Friday.  She was in bed and refused to get up.  We talked for about 10 minutes and left.  I must admit I was so totally uncomfortable with her “oldness” that I couldn’t shut up!  Oiy!

Today on the way home, we stopped in to see her again.  My Aunt (her daughter) and my Uncle(her son) were there.  When I walked in they told me that she was unresponsive and laying in her bed sleeping.  They asked me to go in and talk with her and see if she would answer me.  As I went in, my heart nearly broke for my grandma as she lay in her bed pretending to sleep…it was clear that she was pretending.  I sat down and began to talk to her, rubbing her arm gently.  My kids came in and sweet C, my chivelrous little boy bent over her and kissed her cheek.  Her eyes fluttered open a bit and then slammed shut again.  M, was terrified, and I can’t blame her.  T sat next to her and talked to her as well.  Soon she flailed her arms out toward each of us and we took her hands and rubbed her arms, continuing to talk to her.  She got tired of that and pulled her arms in to herself. 

As we walked out of her bedroom, we sat down to visit with my Aunt and Uncle and find out what was going on.  They told me that my Uncle had come in to help her get up and around and she informed him that morning that she wasn’t getting up for him and he could leave.  My Aunt got the silent treatment and my Uncle’s wife, while we were there, got her hand slapped away when she came in and touched grandma.

It was clear that grandma was throwing an 80 something year old temper tantrum.  We went back into her room before we left and all loved on her a little more.  My heart changed as I looked at her and realized how hard it must be to have no control over her life.  She is at the whim of her children, has no say over what her body will do next and feels like a burden with no value. 

I was so wishing for our dog Abbie to be with us.  Grandma has always loved animals and it always delights her to have a soft dog cuddle with her.  Abbie, even though she is a puppy in intuitive at times with what people need.  Grandma would have enjoyed feeling her soft fur and getting a doggy kiss.

As I think of my grandma, knowing that likely, this will be the last time I see her alive(she is moving to the other side of the state tomorrow…maybe)I have so many regrets.  The largest is simply that she doesn’t share my faith and has no hope.  Another is that I never took the time to just sit with her and ask questions while she was lucid.  I want to know her but have been afraid of her pysical frailty.  I want to have the blessing of her life lessons passed on to me but was intimidated by her grumpy facade. 

I am grateful for learning these things.  I wish I didn’t learn them on her.  Today, I did get to tell her how much I loved her, something I do every time I see her.  Something I do with all of those who are dear to me. 

Finally, I think what I have taken away from today is simply this question.  How do I show my love, appreciation and the value of their wisdom to those who are old?  My love for the “old ones” has been kindled.  I will be an “old one” someday to and I hope that those around me will find my mind of value, even when my body is close to the grave.

 

 

It’s always hard for me to write about what is going on in my head.  It’s even harder for me to talk about it because I have been such a mess this year and it is intensly humbling to be naked, so to speak.  I have needed a bit of help to untangle the webs of destruction in my brain and my heart but the work is paying off and I am beginning to see light instead of an endless pit of doom.  I have mentioned in past blogs that my perpetual ”friend” or thorn in my side is my struggle with various degrees of depression.  This year has been one of the worst in this struggle and I have been brought to my knees by it.  It has, as with all things that are a struggle, caused growth in me personally.  I would prefere that God take this thorn away from me miraculously but I think he uses it to refine me and when I come out the other side I am thankful. 

I have found that my depression is at it’s worst when I have lost my voice and identity in this world.  The usual pattern for me begins when I feel like I am being run over by people and hurts.  I begin to be split minded about everything, trying to please everyone and see all perspectives on issues.  From there, I simply cannot make up my mind and begin to busy myself with everything to please everyone to the point that I am exhausted, no longer in touch with how I feel about things and no longer able to navigate the waters of anger, fear and hopelessness that come crashing in around me.

My depression hit a crisis point in April and I could no longer move forward and felt those terrifying urges that no one wants to face with a friend.  Those who have suffered with depression know what I mean.  I was so far in a hole that I couldn’t talk to God anymore.  T was getting scared.  I began talking to him about needing some help and feeling like I just needed some tools to detangle my heart, set boundaries, adjust my mothering skills and understand my rights as a human being.  Getting help is always hard for me.  It’s a real blow to think that I am to a point that I cannot return to contentment and joy on my own and I can’t see God or hear him well enough to navigate my life either.

Some out there would say that I am not spiritual enough.  My answer to that is simply, if you have ever experience depression so black and dark that your cries to God come out of your mouth soundless and void and you are in a cold dark lake of lonley hopelessness, help might come with skin on.  It’s kindof like that story of the faith filled man who was in the flood.  It was threatening to sweep him away and a fireman came to rescue him in a boat.  The man told the fireman to go away because God was going to rescue him.  The fireman, against his better judgement moved on as the flood waters rose.  The faithful man continued to pray even more fervently for God to rescue him as he climbed on the roof of his house.  Sitting on that roof and begging God for mercy, he looks up to see a helicopter with a rescue guy coming to get him but alas, no, he would not go because God was going to rescue him.  The flood waters rose and the next thing he knew, he was being swept away.  When he woke up in heaven he asked God why he hadn’t rescued him and God’s reply was, “I sent you boat and a helicopter but you didn’t get in”. 

My first line of defense when I hit a crisis point is of course my husband.  He is able to think clearly when I cannot think at all.  We decided to look for a therapist, the help with skin on.  I began going once a week in the beginning of May.  It didn’t feel like it was helping at all for the first month and that was fearful for me.  I decided to take that up with my therapist so he changed strategies and it has helped so much.  My goal has been to get to the heart of the matter without taking psychotropic drugs.  The reasoning for me is that I don’t always feel depression and I know that this particular bought with it is caused by me not dealing with my feelings and having had an unusually large number of difficult things go on this year.  I really have felt that if I could learn some new, healthier ways to walk through life it would help and if, down the road, there was little to no improvement in my depression then I would go the drug route with the understanding that the psychotropic drugs would possibly become permanent for me.  Another way I have looked at it is, like with any medical problem, I wanted to treat the problem first and see if the symptoms go away.  If they don’t then by all means I’m all for the psychotropic drugs.

Therapy has been incredibly helpful to me.  My therapist has offered me a number of great tools to navigate difficult relationships.  He is “a big fan” as he so aptly puts it, of being assertive.  He has also handed me tools, so to speak, that have allowed me to feel empowered to be a great mom, a great wife and human being who is worth the skin I’m in.  God heard my soundless cries and sent someone to resue me.

Because of where I have been this 2006 emotionally, personal change is a must and one of the changes I have really been working toward is living in truth.  I am such a nice person that I have a hard time not telling people what they want to hear rather than what they need to hear or what I need them to hear, in turn making myself a miserable little girl who has no voice, a virtual slave to my fear of hurting someones feelings.  The change is that I have promised myself that I will do my best to be truthful with people, even when it’s difficult. 

Yesterday, I found  myself in a number of different positions where I could have chosen to “be nice and accomidating” rather than speaking the truth and even letting my ugliness show in that truth.  I’ll just mention two right now.  In one of my conversations, I had to let a friend know that I wasn’t comfortable having our two girls in the same classroom during the school year.  The dynamics between our two girls is great with close supervision but put them together with less control and they end up fighting and making each other miserable everyday.  It’s beyond just the normal girls stuff that goes on.  It was a terrifying thing for me to advocate for my daughters mental health in this way, yet, my friend, who is one who tells it like it is, was grateful that I brought it up and it allowed us to dialog about what we thought might be best for our girls. 

Another situation with a family member who tends to be a bit to bold for her own good, allowed me to be brutally honest, which I find intensly theraputic, especially with this family member.  She made an offer to attend a meeting with me that is none of her business in the first place and secondly she felt that it would be fun to see the process.  Her offer left me feeling as though she thought I needed to be “fixed” and she felt that she was a good person to offer her perspective and opinion on how that should happen.  I found it offensive and degrading.  I know I’m being a bit illusive with this but there is alot of personal history that is not so good with this family member.  Trust me, it was one of those moments when my inner tiger roared and begged to be turned loose on her.  I did tell her I was absolutely not interested in her offer and I didn’t think it would be fun at all.  I also told her that she is one of the people in my life that runs me over and makes me feel awful.  She was taken aback a little and I think understood that she had stepped over a boundary that she shouldn’t have.

Both situations allowed me to speak the truth.  Each offered a temptation for me to crawl in a hole and allow circumstances to overwhelm me and resentment to build.  Each situation allowed me to express my concern and stand up for what I thought was right, but in very different ways.  The first situation scared me because I didn’t want to hurt my friends feelings and hoped she would hear my heart, which she did.  The second situation took me off guard which is a perfect recipe for me to fall back into the old pattern of “yes maming” and feeling really pissed off at the audacity of this woman.  Instead, I told her kindly, “no” in a way that she understood and didn’t question and at the same time set a boundary line that was clear.  I am still pissed off that she even suggested it but I’m not sure I’m right in my anger.  None the less she knows how I feel about it and I know that my feelings were heard.

I’m finding as I continue in my Bible study that the change in me is good and what God wants for personal growth.  Jesus made no bones about truth.  He was adimant that speaking the truth was imperative.  He was never one to mince words or pander to the popular or educated just because they were who they were.  If you were fake, no matter what your social status, he called you out.  I’m saying that he found it easy all the time, in fact it is clear that living like that was painful for him.

Well, I’ve been called out and I’m finding that speaking the truth and being honest in all things is incredibly freeing.  I still lack the tact required for this at times but I’m working on that as well.  I am finding that with the emphasis on this character building trait, my husband finds me even more trustworthy, I am more in sync with my kids and advocating for them in situations that make me uncomfortable and I don’t have the weight in my heart of worrying about what others think.  As I travel down this road a bit I am also finding that I am less split minded and things don’t make me feel quite so crazy.  Decisions are easier to make and clarity of thought is closer at hand.  Doing the right thing and being honest about it no matter what  is…what did I say?….FREEING!

My depression has improved so much and I am grateful.  I continue to seek help and feel so empowered to live a great life.  My children are happier and I am happier.  My husband and I are doing well, though this has caused a great deal of difficult dialog but I think he would agree, it’s all good.