Beauty For Ashes

So I have been thinking a lot about those things that bring peace and have been pondering on the act of sitting at the feet of Jesus.  I think one of the most valuable things I have learned in my Christian walk is that Jesus does not need me to do anything in order to accomplish what he wants accomplished.  More than anything he wants me to come sit at his feet and just BE.  He wants me to BE in such a way that I am not bringing my agenda or my must does or haves with me.  He speaks to me best and moves my heart in amazing ways when I come even with my broken humaness just to be in his presence.  I am finding that it is an incredible thing to have him pour out his loving mercy and grace over me and doing so he mends my broken places in such a way that I can sing his praises and adoration to the world.  What that means to me is that he refills my overwhelmed heart in such a way that those things that normally send me over the edge of anxiety are now things that can be tackled and managed because of my knowlege of whose strength I am filled with.  When I go to him and sit at his feet on a regular basis he fills me up to the top with grace to deal with things I would never be able to handle, mercy to give to people who normally would tick me off and wisdom and insight into situations that I would usually be very narrow minded about.

I haven’t been sitting at his feet much over the last several months and I am hungering deeply to do so.  I am just a week away from Christmas and the celebration of the birth of my Savior and I want to dance and sing his praises more than anything this year. 

The other thing that dawned on my while walking the butte with my friend is that a spiritual desert is a very special place to be.  I have always abhored going through a spiritually dry time.  I have found it depressing and scary to be honest.  Well, my outlook on it has been changed.  Here’s what I think.  The desert is talked a lot about in the Bible.  It has been a huge instrument of challenge and change from the beginning.  I think of the Israelites wandering in the desert with Moses.  Is it Elija or Elisha  that ran into the desert when a queen wanted to kill him?  John the Baptist lived in the desert and finally there is Jesus who went into the desert to be tested for 40 days.  I think that God uses the desert in our spiritual lives to meet us.  He uses it to minister to us and to help us heal and move forward.  He uses it to expand our faith and help us understand that knowing him is more than just feelings and emotions. 

When I go through deserts in my spiritual life, I have found that God meets me when I am desperate in ways that are so intimate and tender.  He feeds my soul and quenches my thirst in some of the most unexpected ways. 

If you think of it, go and read about how God met the needs of the Israelites as they wandered through the desert.  Be sure and look at how much and what he gave them to keep them alive.  Ask yourself what he was doing when he didn’t give them more.  After that, go look up what God said to Elija/Elish(sorry can never keep them straight) and what God did to keep him alive.  What was God’s point?  Finally, look at Jesus when wandered in the desert.  What happened to him there?  What did he accomplish and who met him there?  At the end of his wandering what happened to him and how do you think it might have grown his faith and love for his Father?

I would love to hear your thoughts. 

If I don’t get to blog before Christmas, may you be blessed beyond measure by His grace, mercy and love.  May you find deep peace in the presence of the Savior.

It’s a new year.  I am not going to talk about resolutions because I don’t like them.  Straight and to the point huh?  I have a few things I will be working on that have just migrated through to the new year.  Again, no resolutions just continued personal growth.

I was standing in the shower this morning thinking of all the things I’m loving right now and thought I’d make a list.  (In review of my blogs, it is becoming clear that I like to make lists…hmmm, I wonder what that means about me?)  So here are a few things I’m loving right now.

T~ He is not one of those people who is unwilling to make changes.  He is the sweetest, kindest man I know and more importantly, he has proven over the years that he loves me with his actions.  He is smart and interesting.  Finally, he loves God and is learning to live his life loving God in a more public way.

M~ My daughter is awesome.  She is learning so many new things that her 8 year old mind overflows.  She is competitive, always up for an adventure and fun to be around.  She is learning to look at people and see the beauty in each one individually.  We have been talking a lot about the importance of knowlege and wisdom in the context of know that sometimes it is better to remain silent than to let everyone know how smart you are.  Her smile lights up the world and her laugh makes my day.

C~That terrifc boy of mine is the sweetest thing.  He is chivalrous, kindhearted, tough and loving all at the same time.  I cannot get over the little man he has grown into.  I love watching him immitate his Daddy.  C is deliberate and thoughtful in most everyhting he does.  Rather than competitivness he is thrilled for all who win a competition even if he looses.  Super heros light his fire and he wants to be a super hero that follows God.  Cool huh?

Abbie Too~ Our dog has brought so much joy and companionship into my life.  She is a blast to have around.  Abbie is my walking buddy, errand running partner and constant companion as she follows me wherever I go, even if it’s from one end of my kitchen to the other.

My House~ I love our new flooring, and paint.  It feels so warm and homey.  Also, I love my sunroom in the winter.  I get to absorb the wonderful sun and stay semi-warm.  This room always a room in process but I feel inspired to create when I enter in, no matter what state of clutter and mess it is in.

Nikon D80- T gave me my dream camera for this Christmas and the next 5 Christmas’s.  I so wasn’t expecting to get this camera but I am having soooo. much. fun.  I have signed up for a digital camera course through our community ed program and I just can’t wait to make this camera get up and dance!

Being home~ I have turned into a regular homebody and love just being in my house. 

Paper~ Can I yell it from the mountain tops loud enough….I love paper craft.  I’m not even going to say more.

Sewing~ I have an on again off again relationship with my sewing machine but lately I have been having sudden bursts of inspirations and desire to create stuff with fabric. 

Friends~ Well, you all know that I love you!  I can’t imagine my life without you.  I feel close to you no matter where you are.  Some of you have moved across the country and the world.  Some are moving back from across the country~Kim.  I think of each of my friends every day.  They inspire me and rock my world.  I bet most of my friends didn’t know that I create much of my artwork based on ideas, personalities and inspirations from them.  The love of great friends is rainbow colored and multi-textured.

For now, those are the things I’m loving.  Hope your Friday is terrific!  Happy Weekend!

P.S.  Here are some new photos on my Flickr sight.

I haven’t posted in a while.  Sorry.  I’ve been busy….okay,  I haven’t made it a priority as my friend Deb would say.

Anyway, Thanksgiving is over.  Mine was wonderful, even with a cold coming on.  I got to host it and was shocked out how unstressful my day was because I did all the prep work the day before and T roasted the turkey.  He is such a good cook.  I felt so thankful all day long to have a family, a beautiful home though not extravagant which I love, and plenty of food to eat.  There is no cancer at my house, no horrible illness, no threat of violence, and a really sweet dog named Abbie. 

Last night, my hubby and I sat down in the livingroom and did some talking.  He wasn’t feeling very well which means he was able to focus a little bit on something other than work (which I am grateful that he has) and just chat.  I decided to get out this silly little book called “The Book Of Questions”.  I bought it in college and it has served me well.  Anyway, we took turns reading questions out of this book and answering them.  Some of the questions got deep and others were silly, like “Would you shave your head and not tell anybody why if you were guaranteedn $10,000?”  (BTW, my response was “why would I?”  and his response was “why wouldn’t I?”) 

As always in a book like this the topic of faith came up which always opens a can of worms in our house.  We began talking about putting feet on our faith.  I have been feeling like a lost dog when it comes to serving people over the last year or so.  I am looking for places to get involved where there is a real need.  I am even getting to the point where my heart scoffs at the idea of discipleship and mentorship when there are some devestatingly physical needs that must be met before the thought of anything but survival can be mentioned.  I was telling T that my heart is drawn toward people in crisis.  I have always been this way.  Darfur in Africa, young girls who are pregnant and need someone to walk with them through their crisis, women in Afghanistan are all things that concern me greatly.  

I have a couple of friends who are involved in organizations that have piqued my interest.  They have put feet on their faith and are willing to roll up their sleeves and get dirty, so to speak.    One dear friend who is a labor and delivery nurse also helps women who have crisis pregnancies.  She is well equipped to do that and has been there herself.  I admire her and love to listen to what she has to say.  Another friend, whom I have only met by way of her blog and a few emails in in public health and has been involved in public health in other countries, specifically third world countries.   She is continually looking for ways to give to those around her.  I find both of these women inspirational and rubber meets the road people. 

If you have any suggestions as to where I can get involved I would LOVE to hear them.  Please let me know. 

I had a parental epiphany today.  Okay, maybe epiphay isn’t quite the word but it was a cool thing that I realized today.  You see, T (hubby) and I have been talking alot about what repentance and restoration look like.  My children shed light on the whole thing for me today.  Here’s how it played out.

My friend Ju sent out a general email saying she was going to the pool today and would anyone like to join her.  I had been thinking of taking my babes to the pool anyway so I thought, “what a great idea”!  I presented them with the idea and they got all excited, ran and put their bathing suits on and proceeded to begin to battle. 

I was sitting at the computer ordering bras (that is another story in itself) when my little boy, the drama king,  ran in to tell me that his sister hit him 3 times and told him that he couldn’t jump off the diving board.  Tattling in our house is a big fat no no and gets privileges yanked.  Needess to say my response was that we were not going swimming and he could go tell his sister.  

M, my daughter came in and sat down visibly upset.  I asked her if she hit C.  She said yes but it was only with her underwear which is not what C told me.  I knew she was fibbing so I revamped my previous sentance to we are going swimming but M was going to have to sit this one out on the side of the pool.  As soon as it escaped my mouth, I looked over at C and he was grinning at M with a wickedly, mischievious victory grin.  At that point I realized that M and I had been set up.  Sooo, being the wobbly minded mother that I am, I took aim at that grin with a bullet that would surely wipe it right off my little manipulators face.  “C”, I said, “You look like you meant to get M into trouble and that  you are very happy that you accomplished that so, you are not going swimming either”.  As expected he blew a gasket, flew into orbit, hit the ground with a dramatic thud that only my little drama king can muster and let out a squawl and a “that’s not fair”.  I told him to head to his room and I would come get him when I was ready to discuss this with him.

Let me back up a bit and say that M has been incredibly irritable this week and C has been a master at pushing her buttons.  It has gotten so out of hand that I tearfully cried on T’s shoulder last night and railed with the “what am I going to do?” question. 

Back to my story.  As I sat with M and tried to help her understand why it is absolutely forbidden to hit her brother with anything (Anything meaning, underwear, skirts, shirts, bottoms, heads, hands, feet, tummies.  You name it, it is not okay) she went from defiance, to anger that she was being blamed for the situation at hand, to fibbing about what actually happened, to realizing that she doesn’t want to be the mother of C.  From there she told me that she feels like I hate her, which broke my heart.  I told her that I have never hated her ever from the moment she was born, I have loved her but part of love is that I have to teach her to make the right choices and when she refuses to listen, I have to discipline her.  It’s not fun to discipline her, I don’t like to do it but, to help her grow up and be able to function as an adult, I have to sometimes.  She cried, I cried and we ended up with our arms wrapped around each other.  She asked me to forgive her for lying and who but a cruel and hateful person could do anything but say of course I forgive you and I adore you. 

My little girl is getting so big and is starting to have big kid ideas.  It was a potentially devestating conversation turned into a healing one and my girl and I are a little closer.

After getting done with the conversation with M, I called C out and began to talk to him about what happened and I have to say that he is a different story all together.  As my husband so aptly put it, it’s like bouncing a big rubber ball off a brick wall.  The kid refuses to get it. 

Where does repentance and restoration come in to all of this?  Well, M, my daughter, wronged her brother big time and then in turn he wronged her, big time.  M and I talked about it, she repented to me and made the wrong right by asking C for forgiveness for her hitting him.  She felt terrible about what she had done.  She also asked me for forgiveness for lying.  It was heart felt and she fully understood how her actions effected our little family.  We didn’t get to go swimming or paint her room today.  She had to miss an opportunity for fun.  She also, by trying to mother C, irritated him to the point that he tried to get back at her and it caught her in the back side because she ended up so miffed she hit him.  She really got all of that and was sorry.  It allowed my to shower my words of affections, care and love upon her as well as hold her and fully restore her.  She needed no more discipline or talking to.  She was done and she felt free.

 C on the other hand, has refused to take any kind of responsiblity for his actions in this whole fiasco and so has had to know that I am disappointed in his actions, which he doesn’t like.  He begrudgingly asked M for forgiveness for getting her into trouble and for goading her into a fight.  He wronged M big time by teasing her until she came unglued and hit him and then he wronged her again by his smuggness when she was being disciplines.  He never came to terms with why he was disciplined in all of this.  It makes it hard to restore him when he refuses to acknowlege that he actually wronged someone.  It makes it hard to restore him when he is absolutely not sorry for his part.

Repentance is one of those words that people make fun of in our world but it simply means to go the other way.  In other words, it means that when I have wronged someone or sinned in someway that I will make a 180 degree turn, seek to make the wrong right and take responsibility.  Restoration is a natural out flow of repentance.  With repentance and restoration comes the freedom to know that the discipline is done.

A song that means something to me today.  May you dance and find joy! 

Big Daddy Weave Lyrics - Fields Of Grace Lyrics

There’s a place that I love to run and play
There’s a place that I sing new songs of praise

Dancin’ with my Father God in fields of grace

There’s a place that I lose myself within
There’s a place that I find myself again

Dancin’ with my Father God in fields of grace

There’s a place where religion finally dies
There’s a place that I lose my selfish pride

Dancin with my Father God in fields of grace

I love my Father, my Father loves me
I dance for my Father, my Father sings over me

And nothing can take that away from me

To Wash     To Bath     To Be Cleaned

When I think of a bath for one who may never have had one, one who has been through inflicted and self inflicted trauma, I cringe.  The pain of cleansing those open wounds, of soaping and wiping and scrubbing out those wounds, of being rid of the muck and grime, oh, the blessed relief of having been freed of  it all.  The wounds are no longer festering but healing.  They hurt still but not from rotting, poisonous flesh.  They hurt in a way that means healing and wholeness.

Oh! Lord! Please, wash me.  Wash my feet and give me the grace to allow those very painful wounds to heal.  Remind me that you have already given me a bath and now I must come to you to have my feet cleaned.

Luke 1:45~ Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord said to her will be accomplished.

I wonder if Mary new the gravity of being called “Highly Favorored” by the angel Gabriel.  I wonder if her understanding of who God is and his character was such that the mantle of one who is highly favored by God was one of great weight and seriousness.  I wonder if that was one of the first points in her young life that all else fell away at that very instant.  She must have been afraid but I don’t think her fear was only at seeing the angel but also at his first words to her…”you who are highly favored!  The Lord is with you.” 

Mary’s heart was innocent in nature, unscathed by the harsh realities of life.  She believed.  Even in her fear and suprise, she believed.

Zechariah, having been through the ravages and disappointments of life asked his questions with doubt and sinicism.  He missed part of the blessing of the miracle of his own child.

The following is not part of my journal today:

I struggle with unbelief.  Not unbelief in God or my salvation but an inability, unwillingness, whatever, to believe what God promises me.  He gently nudges me toward the possibility that He, the great I AM, speaks the truth….always.  Isn’t there such comfort in that?  Isn’t it a difficult thing that we humanize God and forget his very nature…we measure our willingness to believe his love for us by our own human experiences.

Oh Lord, that I would believe your every breath, taking no measure of it by that of my human experience.  Only, by the very knowlege you put in my heart that you never lie to me.  I am your preciouse child, one you would die for, one you have died for.  Let me fully understand your passion for this broken child.

Beauty & Mystery

I am just writing a quick update.

Things are going well.  I am really working on my food issue.  I am amazed at what is happening to my body as I work hard on submitting my rebellious spirit to the Lord, bending my knee and putting in some real effort to learning how to nourish my body.  The Lord is gracious and patient with me as I go through this time.  I am not going to write down how much I have lost because at this point I’m not so sure that what I have lost is as important as the lessons and experience of learning how to sustain my body in a healthy way.  I am encouraged each week as I take my measurements.

In addition, I am reading the book called Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge.  I’m only a little way into it but was struck by an important truth.  I am beautiful.  I don’t say that with any arrogance whatsoever.  Rather, I am struck with a deep sense of humility at this realization that when God created women, beauty and mystery are an integral part of who we are.    All women have it.  Many women in America and possibly the world bury it, reject it, twist it but don’t understand it and what it means to them.  Some have grown up with it being twisted and used against them.  In my case, knowing in my heart of hearts that I didn’t posess it in any way.  (I am just now beginning to understand that my last statement is a lie I have believed deeply about myself for most of my life.)  This is a new truth (and I do believe it is a truth) that I am ruminating on.  It is magnificent and glorious to know that my creator instilled in me beauty and mystery.  It nearly brings me to tears.  He would entrust me with these characteristics that are part of who the I AM is.

In your spare time, think about what beauty and mystery truly are!  Look around you.  It’s amazing!

I’ll write more later. 

I am a perfectionist.  I know that about myself and I also know that with perfectionism comes the habit of being extrodinarily hard on myself.  Giving grace to myself or anyone else is not something that flows from me.  I know many people who just seem to exhude grace, I am not one of those and I desire to be one who gives grace easily. 

Because of my perfectionism (it scares me sometimes…seriously!) and my bent toward being grace free, my will power or motivation waxes and wanes with the wind.  Okay, so your wondering what in the world I am talking about.  Well, the one big issues in my life right now is diet, excercise and control.  I really have a hard time getting myself out to excercise and I really need to.  Since my cancer, I have found it diffucult to recover physically just out of pure laziness.  Oh! My! I actually admitted that outloud.  I am the queen of excuses so….anyway. 

Since this school year started, I have been making a concerted effort to walk at least 3 times per week with the goal of walking 5 times per week.  I have cleared my schedule for excercise and I am really starting to see the difference.  I am trying, in my perfectionism, not to stand in the mirror and say, “I still look like an apple on toothpicks” but recognize that I can move with more ease and my back doesn’t hurt so bad.  Not to mention, I have more energy.  I haven’t really lost an inch or an ounce for that matter but my legs are looking nicer.  Maybe it will work it’s way up…I can only hope.  Then again, maybe I need to just be content to be able to move without pain.

The next big issue I need to tackle is food.  I know that I will fall flat on my face with this one if I don’t completely lean on the Lord.  It sounds so trivial when I type it out but for some reason, this issue is very complex.  Please, don’t send me the newest diet that you like or anything like that.  I’ve tried (not well, I might add) just about everything and am truely realizing that this is an issue that can only be dealt with on my knees.  The thing is, I feel like I am going to need to be either excercising or physically on my face before the Lord for 24 hours, 7 days a week in order to not fail completely.  I am terrified to even try.  I love food…it is a BIG idol for me.  This issue also wreaks of control issues that permiate every aspect of my life.  It’s not the good kind of control either.  I don’t throw up or starve myself, it’s just the opposite.  Giving up all my favorites for even a little while to eat rabbit food is repulsive yet necessary and from my experience, I can develope a taste for just about anything…Yikes!  Sorry, to anyone I may offend with that last statement, I’m just keeping it real right now.  The fact of the matter is, I need to make a change or my life will be short. 

Now you know something very deep and dark about me.  It is extremely hard for me to admit to all of this even though many of my friends and family would say that all of this has been obviouse to them for some time.   I think the underlying issue really is that I have to be  completely in control, or so I have fooled myself into thinking.  And anything that I cannot control, I ignore.  That thought process is not working well for me, not to mention that it’s just plain not healthy in any way. 

I pray that the Lord grants me mercy and compassion as he pries my white knuckled, fingers off these issues….giving them up to Him will lift my burden.  The “just do it” slogan can be a huge blocade and a gift from God all in one breath.  You may have already figured out that I don’t just do anything. 

Thanks for listening to me whine and tremble in fear. 

Do you ever get a picture or theme stuck in your head?  I do…a lot!  Lately, I have been thinking on Isaiah 6.  The part that says, “Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almight!  The whole earth is filled with his glory.  Think of it.  The whole earth is filled with His glory. 

Fall is setting in and lately I have noticed the power of the stormy clouds as they roll across the Cascades.  If anyone has ever seen the beauty of the Cascade range on a sparkling day from the vantage point of the Central Oregon High Desert, you will not soon forget their majesty and glory.  They appear so huge and amazing at times.  When those dark and boiling clouds full of energy thread their mysterious vapors through and between the mountains, I just look in awe and wonder at how they can transform those huge & glorious mountains into peaks that are completely hidden under a dark, almost inpenetrable shroud.  It is amazing to behold!

I am not thrilled about winter setting in because summer was so wonderful for me this year, but winter sure reminds me of the wonder and awesome power that God shows us through his creation. 

I hope you look at your world with new eyes this fall.  Enjoy the beauty around you.  Take in the amazing colors.

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almight!  The whole earth is filled with HIS glory!

Amen!