Beauty For Ashes

Beauty & Mystery

I am just writing a quick update.

Things are going well.  I am really working on my food issue.  I am amazed at what is happening to my body as I work hard on submitting my rebellious spirit to the Lord, bending my knee and putting in some real effort to learning how to nourish my body.  The Lord is gracious and patient with me as I go through this time.  I am not going to write down how much I have lost because at this point I’m not so sure that what I have lost is as important as the lessons and experience of learning how to sustain my body in a healthy way.  I am encouraged each week as I take my measurements.

In addition, I am reading the book called Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge.  I’m only a little way into it but was struck by an important truth.  I am beautiful.  I don’t say that with any arrogance whatsoever.  Rather, I am struck with a deep sense of humility at this realization that when God created women, beauty and mystery are an integral part of who we are.    All women have it.  Many women in America and possibly the world bury it, reject it, twist it but don’t understand it and what it means to them.  Some have grown up with it being twisted and used against them.  In my case, knowing in my heart of hearts that I didn’t posess it in any way.  (I am just now beginning to understand that my last statement is a lie I have believed deeply about myself for most of my life.)  This is a new truth (and I do believe it is a truth) that I am ruminating on.  It is magnificent and glorious to know that my creator instilled in me beauty and mystery.  It nearly brings me to tears.  He would entrust me with these characteristics that are part of who the I AM is.

In your spare time, think about what beauty and mystery truly are!  Look around you.  It’s amazing!

I’ll write more later. 

I did some homework last night and it helped me tremendously to be a little more motivated to take seriously this huge food issue in my life.  In doing my homework, I created a food journal that I recorded everything I ate today.  I didn’t try to “diet” just pay attention.  I sat down and calculated calories, fat grams, carb grams and protein grams and was startled to see the results of the day.  It was super helpful and I will do my best to improve tomorrow.  I am struggling with the getting on my knees part and talking to God about it though I did submit my food intake to him for the day. 

On the back of my food journal I typed up some basic information to remind myself of what the nutritional intake needs to be for the day.  I found that incredibly helpful though I didn’t look at it as much as I maybe should have.

I also learned that a great  way to entirely blow your fat, carb and protein intake or the day is go to Taco Bell.  Oh, wow!  There is a reason it is so nasty and tasty all at the same time.  When I am in the mood for Taco Bell I will just make a taco salad at home or if I must, ask for whatever I get there with no cheese or sour cream and just their fresh salsa.  The other news I learned today is that I don’t take in enough protein.

The trend for today was that I did very well until 2:00 in the afternoon and my emotions hit.  Moriah & Caleb were fighting and I was getting tired and trying desperately to finish some work before 3 when the church closes.  The interuptions were driving me nuts and stressing me out so I migrated to fat and carbs.  I think I need to pray through why this gives me comfort.  If you have the answer, gently tell me if you would.

Good night for now.

I am a perfectionist.  I know that about myself and I also know that with perfectionism comes the habit of being extrodinarily hard on myself.  Giving grace to myself or anyone else is not something that flows from me.  I know many people who just seem to exhude grace, I am not one of those and I desire to be one who gives grace easily. 

Because of my perfectionism (it scares me sometimes…seriously!) and my bent toward being grace free, my will power or motivation waxes and wanes with the wind.  Okay, so your wondering what in the world I am talking about.  Well, the one big issues in my life right now is diet, excercise and control.  I really have a hard time getting myself out to excercise and I really need to.  Since my cancer, I have found it diffucult to recover physically just out of pure laziness.  Oh! My! I actually admitted that outloud.  I am the queen of excuses so….anyway. 

Since this school year started, I have been making a concerted effort to walk at least 3 times per week with the goal of walking 5 times per week.  I have cleared my schedule for excercise and I am really starting to see the difference.  I am trying, in my perfectionism, not to stand in the mirror and say, “I still look like an apple on toothpicks” but recognize that I can move with more ease and my back doesn’t hurt so bad.  Not to mention, I have more energy.  I haven’t really lost an inch or an ounce for that matter but my legs are looking nicer.  Maybe it will work it’s way up…I can only hope.  Then again, maybe I need to just be content to be able to move without pain.

The next big issue I need to tackle is food.  I know that I will fall flat on my face with this one if I don’t completely lean on the Lord.  It sounds so trivial when I type it out but for some reason, this issue is very complex.  Please, don’t send me the newest diet that you like or anything like that.  I’ve tried (not well, I might add) just about everything and am truely realizing that this is an issue that can only be dealt with on my knees.  The thing is, I feel like I am going to need to be either excercising or physically on my face before the Lord for 24 hours, 7 days a week in order to not fail completely.  I am terrified to even try.  I love food…it is a BIG idol for me.  This issue also wreaks of control issues that permiate every aspect of my life.  It’s not the good kind of control either.  I don’t throw up or starve myself, it’s just the opposite.  Giving up all my favorites for even a little while to eat rabbit food is repulsive yet necessary and from my experience, I can develope a taste for just about anything…Yikes!  Sorry, to anyone I may offend with that last statement, I’m just keeping it real right now.  The fact of the matter is, I need to make a change or my life will be short. 

Now you know something very deep and dark about me.  It is extremely hard for me to admit to all of this even though many of my friends and family would say that all of this has been obviouse to them for some time.   I think the underlying issue really is that I have to be  completely in control, or so I have fooled myself into thinking.  And anything that I cannot control, I ignore.  That thought process is not working well for me, not to mention that it’s just plain not healthy in any way. 

I pray that the Lord grants me mercy and compassion as he pries my white knuckled, fingers off these issues….giving them up to Him will lift my burden.  The “just do it” slogan can be a huge blocade and a gift from God all in one breath.  You may have already figured out that I don’t just do anything. 

Thanks for listening to me whine and tremble in fear.