Beauty For Ashes

I am processing late as I usually do when someone close to me passes away.  My Grandma died about 3 weeks ago and it’s just now sinking in.  She lived a very full life, experienced much and died a loved woman.  I just wanted to write a little tribute to the my Grandma Dorothy.

One of the things that comes to my mind first about my Grandma was her creative abilities.  She was a seamstress, one I have always wanted to emulate.  I can still smell the lotions she would slather on her hands so her skin wouldn’t snag the fabric she was working with.  The whir of a sewing machine always brings me comfort.  She sewed beautiful things and when my grandpa died many, many years ago she made her living as a professional semstress.  I asked her once if this was her dream and she looked at me like I had lost and said “No, honey, this is what I have always done since I was a little girl.  My dream was to be a nurse but I just didn’t have the money to go to college and, well, your Grandpa came along and I married him instead.” 

My Grandma loved little kids.  She lived across from one of the greatest kid parks in all of the world in my opinion, and I grew up going to visit Grandma and spending most of my days in the park across the street.  She loved to sit at her sewing machine and watch us play.  Her love of little kids extended to her Great Grandchildren whom she delighted in.  She seamed to especially gravitate toward little boys and thought my little C was one of the best cuddlers in the world. 

She had three kids, my Dad his brother and his sister.  For many years it was the joy and delight of everyone to head to grandma’s house to see all our favorite cousins, hang out and play at the park together.  Christmas was centered at her house and while she made it clear she was not a religious woman, she loved Christmas and all that went with it.    She spent hours baking cookies and candies, decorating her little 2 bedroom home and preparing for the crowd.  I still cannot eat a chocolate crinkle cookie without flashing back to all the fun at Christmas time. 

Grandma’s family certainly was not and is not to this day without drama.  We are a scrappy brood with a pentiant for a good fight, throw in some whining and manipulation and you have our family.  Grandma was always right in the middle of it giving her opinions and when she wasn’t being listened to she would throw in a curse or two just to get the point across.  When T and I were dating, my friends and I were driving around the Portland area and decided to drop in on Grandma.  T and I were trying to sit together and another friend was also trying to pare up with T.  Because I am a bit naive I didn’t give it much thought but when I got back to my dorm room that night, I got quite a wake up call in the form of my very worked up Grandmother giving me warnings about that girl who wouldn’t keep her hands off my boyfriend.   

Strays were Grandma’s thing.  They could be stray kids or stray animals but they had a place to call home with her.  She had three children but she also helped raise a number of my Dad, Uncle and Aunts friends who did have a place to rest there heads or the place was so horrible they left it.  She was also known for her exotic animals.  Cindy, the Capuchin monkey, her many squirrels, a couple of dogs, a cat or two and the racoons, Snidly J was one, that called her place home.  She passed her love of animals on to my Dad at a young age and he became a teenage falconer (I don’t know if that’s what you’d call him.)  He had a beautiful red tailed Hawk named Sheba that he worked with as well as a barn owl and a couple of small falcons.  He still has Sheba’s jessies and bells. 

She loved to travel with my Grandpa, go for long drives in the car, head down to the sugar pine forests and collect giant pine cones, swim and camp.  As a little girl we would spend about a week each summer at Prineville reservoir picking burs out of our feet, sailing on my dad’s catamaran, falling of floatation devices, laughing, fighting and having a wonderful time with my Aunt, Uncle and cousins.  Grandma was always in the middle of it all.

I’ve talked a lot about what Grandma did but not much about who she was.  My Grandma was not one of those cuddly old women who is made out of sugar.  She had spunk and fight.  She enjoyed traveling and then telling the stories of her travels.  She also enjoyed a good bit of drama and at times perpetuated it especially between her kids and grandkids.  She came from a difficult life not knowing much about her Dad and wanting to, being rejected as illigitament, learning how to contribute to the family finances at a very young age.   She was quite a beauty, curvy with raven colored hair, large blue eyes a gentle looking brow and beautiful full lips.  By looking at pictures of her as a young woman she looked like one of those pin up models and from what she said she lived by shock and awe.  One of her favorite stories to tell was that she enjoyed dating boys.  She notoriously would have a date for dinner come in the front door when it was over, walk straight through the house and go out the back door for a date with another boy.  She was proud of her buxom beauty and knew how to get a date.

My Grandma contributed so much color to my life.  She is where I get my nose, stubborn streak and creative ability.  She is where I get my uneven temprament, love of animals and bent for a little bit of drama.  She gave me a dad who has overcome much and a heritage filled with colorful stories and experiences.  I love her dearly and miss much.

I love you grandma.  Thanks for the time you took with me.  Thanks for being a terrific grandma. 

It’s Saturday afternoon. My family is watching a Jimmy Neutron marathon…yes, we do enjoy Jimmy. I thought I’d quick sit down and blog.

We started our weekend off without water. Our water pipe to our house broke and suddenly the toilets didn’t flush…not good. Yesterday, T went from plumming supply store to plumming supply store to find the parts he needed to fix it but was defeated. We stayed the night in my parents house…they are out of town. Couldn’t have been more perfect. They live out in the country a bit and I had to get used to the crickets and frogs sarenading us as we (I mean T) slept and I tossed and turned.  I have to admit, that sound was oddly comforting.  I just couldn’t get to sleep.  This morning we got up, took a wonderful, warm shower.  Drank plenty of fresh running water and headed home.  T found the part to fix our plumming and we are with an abundance of water.   The toilets flush.  Yeah.

An abundance of water.  Novel concept for the priveleged.  M came to me yesterday complaining that our water had been broken for way to long.  A whole 18 hours.  I told her that the majority of the world’s population does not have easily accesible water and when it is accecible, it may not be free of disease.  She really paused and pondered that.  So did I. 

I feel very thankful that I live in a place that has safe drinking water.  I feel spoiled to live in a place where I can take a hot shower or bath multiple times per day if I so choose, wash my dishes with a dishwasher, water my lawn with sprinklers instead of rain and I don’t have to run to a well somewhere carrying my buckets to gather the water for the day.

It is odd to me that we lost our ability to obtain water because lately I have been pondering H20 quite a bit.  I’ve seen a couple of shows talking about conserving water as well as getting potible water to many of the worlds population that die frequently from water born illness and frankly, lack of water at all.  There was an image of two little boys in the Philipines the other day trying to cool off by floating in a horribly polluted river.  The picture made me want to go scoop them out of the river.  It was really nasty.

Well, my thoughts wander to the question of what can I do?  Well here a couple of web sights to check out…this is what I/we can do.

African Well Fund.org

Changing the Present.com

 I am grateful.

It’s a new year.  I am not going to talk about resolutions because I don’t like them.  Straight and to the point huh?  I have a few things I will be working on that have just migrated through to the new year.  Again, no resolutions just continued personal growth.

I was standing in the shower this morning thinking of all the things I’m loving right now and thought I’d make a list.  (In review of my blogs, it is becoming clear that I like to make lists…hmmm, I wonder what that means about me?)  So here are a few things I’m loving right now.

T~ He is not one of those people who is unwilling to make changes.  He is the sweetest, kindest man I know and more importantly, he has proven over the years that he loves me with his actions.  He is smart and interesting.  Finally, he loves God and is learning to live his life loving God in a more public way.

M~ My daughter is awesome.  She is learning so many new things that her 8 year old mind overflows.  She is competitive, always up for an adventure and fun to be around.  She is learning to look at people and see the beauty in each one individually.  We have been talking a lot about the importance of knowlege and wisdom in the context of know that sometimes it is better to remain silent than to let everyone know how smart you are.  Her smile lights up the world and her laugh makes my day.

C~That terrifc boy of mine is the sweetest thing.  He is chivalrous, kindhearted, tough and loving all at the same time.  I cannot get over the little man he has grown into.  I love watching him immitate his Daddy.  C is deliberate and thoughtful in most everyhting he does.  Rather than competitivness he is thrilled for all who win a competition even if he looses.  Super heros light his fire and he wants to be a super hero that follows God.  Cool huh?

Abbie Too~ Our dog has brought so much joy and companionship into my life.  She is a blast to have around.  Abbie is my walking buddy, errand running partner and constant companion as she follows me wherever I go, even if it’s from one end of my kitchen to the other.

My House~ I love our new flooring, and paint.  It feels so warm and homey.  Also, I love my sunroom in the winter.  I get to absorb the wonderful sun and stay semi-warm.  This room always a room in process but I feel inspired to create when I enter in, no matter what state of clutter and mess it is in.

Nikon D80- T gave me my dream camera for this Christmas and the next 5 Christmas’s.  I so wasn’t expecting to get this camera but I am having soooo. much. fun.  I have signed up for a digital camera course through our community ed program and I just can’t wait to make this camera get up and dance!

Being home~ I have turned into a regular homebody and love just being in my house. 

Paper~ Can I yell it from the mountain tops loud enough….I love paper craft.  I’m not even going to say more.

Sewing~ I have an on again off again relationship with my sewing machine but lately I have been having sudden bursts of inspirations and desire to create stuff with fabric. 

Friends~ Well, you all know that I love you!  I can’t imagine my life without you.  I feel close to you no matter where you are.  Some of you have moved across the country and the world.  Some are moving back from across the country~Kim.  I think of each of my friends every day.  They inspire me and rock my world.  I bet most of my friends didn’t know that I create much of my artwork based on ideas, personalities and inspirations from them.  The love of great friends is rainbow colored and multi-textured.

For now, those are the things I’m loving.  Hope your Friday is terrific!  Happy Weekend!

P.S.  Here are some new photos on my Flickr sight.

Remember last year when I said that the crafting lunatic had taken over my brain?  This year it’s not quite the same.  I am feeling relatively relaxed and fairly confident that the final projects of the Christmas Season are going to be completed by tonight. 

I have my Christmas cards addressed with stamps on them.  The cards are written in however, they are sitting on my dining room counter under LOTS of stuff.  That’s okay though.  They too will be completed before Christmas comes knocking.  I have a 5 hour ride to the beach and I figure whatever I don’t get done today will wait until Wednesday in the van. 

I look back on last years madness and feel so thankful that I have been able to slow down and enjoy Christmas over the last couple of weeks.  I think my ba-humbug left the building the Sunday we went up into the mountains and cut our Christmas tree.  Since then I have enjoyed my children and their endless excitement, baking when I can, crafting when I can and talking with each member of my family way more than usual. 

We found an organization to partner with.  Remember my November 27th post?  It is a preschool for at risk babies and toddlers, 0-3years old.  I ran into a friend of a friend and started asking her questions about this little day care and found out that they have all sorts of needs.  I talked to T about it and we sat down as a family and decided what we were going to do.  My children suprised me and made me proud by buying toys with there own money and we didn’t even push them.  They were delighted to know that they could contribute to kids just like them and help make their Christmas better.  I think they have the giving bug and I couldn’t be happier.  T and I have it as well.  It is such a delight and a blessing for us to be able to have a place to pour our hearts into. 

Right now it is mighty cold outside, the sky is blue, the sun is shining and I have these incredibly beautiful blue jays flitting around my back yard competing with the woodpeckers(I love them too) to find left over insects in the pine trees around our house.  My lovely dog Abbie is exhausted from an especially vigorous walk on the East side of town.  She got to go without a leash and did quadrupal the running that she usually does.  Life is good.  My little house is filled with peace and I am incredibly grateful for all that I have.  I am blessed!

Merry Christmas

I’m struggling a bit with my “mood” today.  Always seems to be a struggle on Wednesdays…

The best way I can think to combat it is to talk to God about it, have a little bit of quiet time where I can just be without feeling pressure to put a smile on…I don’t feel like smiling for no particular reason and finally to think on those things which have been blessings to me lately.  Here I go, lets see how long I can make it.

1. T didn’t take the job at the other medical place in town because he got a better offer where he is at.  In addition, they gave him everything he has dreamt of doing.  We both feel totally peaceful about him staying where he’s at as oppossed to the knot in my gut everytime I thought of him starting a new job at the other place. 

2. Our remodel is almost done.  It looks beautiful but beyond that, it has been a marriage builder rather than a marriage breaker.  T has done such a fantastic job of laying the flooring.

3. Our guest has gone and left feeling like he had the time of his life.  I’m glad.  I’m also glad that he left knowing that this is not his home and he needs to act like a gracious guest. 

Though I didn’t handle the situation perfectly, I am pleased at the outcome.

4. The sun continues to shine and the beautiful fall leaves are striking against the bluest of blues in our Central Oregon sky. 

5. There is snow on our mountains and again, they show the wonder and creativity in God.  Something that I appreciate so much!

6. I live in a place where I can walk outside in relative safety at nearly any time of day without fear of being raped or killed, unlike the women and children in Darfur (Sudan Africa)

7. I have a beautiful Golden Retriever named Abbie who I have fallen head over heals in love with.

8. My children are healthy and my relationship with each of them is developing and blossoming.  My confidence as a Mom is being built and I am so grateful for wisdom God instills and abundantly grateful for friends to learn from when my widsom falls short

9. I have THE BEST husband in the world…enough said

10. I learned how to knit these really cool little hats because I have a terrific friend who likes to sit, talk, teach and knit all at the same time.  She is a kindred spirit and I am so grateful for her friendship.

11. I have had some tough times in my life and I am grateful for them because now I can relate to some things that people around me go through.  I love that because of my struggles, people know that when I talk about my faith it is a faith that has been and will be tested by fire.  When I encourage hurting souls to look to God, I love that it is with confidence and experience that I can point to Jesus and say that he won’t let you down.  He’ll walk through it with you.  He knows!

12. Some of the little boxes that I have made, have made a diffence.  God’s Word is living and true.  I feel totally humbled and grateful that I can be a part of bringing a little joy to dark days.

13. Five years ago, it exhausted me to walk 1 mile on my level treadmill.  One year ago, it exhausted me to even consider walking 1 mile to the top of our Butte.  This week, I walked 1 1/2 miles around the track at the bottom of the Butte, ran into one of my friends and continued on up to the top of the Butte.  I am walking up that Butte at least 2x per week and I am beyond amazed (it makes me cry) and grateful that I can do this. 

14. I wouldn’t be able to do number 13 if I didn’t have the friends that I have cheering me on even when I growl at them.  They have made a huge difference in my life!  Thanks girls! (Carrie I am bringing a 50lb bag of rice to strap to you next time we walk the Butte just so I can keep up with you)

I hope your day is terrific and you are enjoying your fall.

I feel like I bare my soul on this blasted blog.  It is pure compulsion, the hope that other’s out there can see my “realness” and need for God and somehow be moved.

So anyway, back to this laying myself bare thing…this weekend was, as everything this year has been, strange.  I spent my time with family members that I haven’t seen eye to eye with in quite some time and it was pleasant and even fun at times.  Strange.

In addition, I had a prayer answered and I finally “got” something.  A few months ago, I prayed that God would help me develop a love and compassion for the old folks in our world.  I have struggled to understand some of the mental processes and emotional developments that happen as we get old.  Why some age so gracefully yet others turn into, well, lets just say there is nothing gracefull about them. 

I have two grandparents that are complete opposites in this aging process yet nearly the same age.  My grandpa and my mother’s side is in his mid 80’s and so full of joy and life.  I LOVE to be with him and just the thought of him has strengthened me at some pretty down times.  He has made me feel so loved.  He has had cancer, chemo and the loss of all body hair and yet, loves to laugh.  He inspires me!

On the flip side is my grandma on my Dad’s side.  She has turned in on herself and has been this way for nearly 10 years.  Hoping for death to claim her only to be hindered by being about as healthy as a horse.  She is in great physical and emotional pain due to depression.  This weekend I watched her wilt. 

We were in Portland and we stopped in to see her on Friday.  She was in bed and refused to get up.  We talked for about 10 minutes and left.  I must admit I was so totally uncomfortable with her “oldness” that I couldn’t shut up!  Oiy!

Today on the way home, we stopped in to see her again.  My Aunt (her daughter) and my Uncle(her son) were there.  When I walked in they told me that she was unresponsive and laying in her bed sleeping.  They asked me to go in and talk with her and see if she would answer me.  As I went in, my heart nearly broke for my grandma as she lay in her bed pretending to sleep…it was clear that she was pretending.  I sat down and began to talk to her, rubbing her arm gently.  My kids came in and sweet C, my chivelrous little boy bent over her and kissed her cheek.  Her eyes fluttered open a bit and then slammed shut again.  M, was terrified, and I can’t blame her.  T sat next to her and talked to her as well.  Soon she flailed her arms out toward each of us and we took her hands and rubbed her arms, continuing to talk to her.  She got tired of that and pulled her arms in to herself. 

As we walked out of her bedroom, we sat down to visit with my Aunt and Uncle and find out what was going on.  They told me that my Uncle had come in to help her get up and around and she informed him that morning that she wasn’t getting up for him and he could leave.  My Aunt got the silent treatment and my Uncle’s wife, while we were there, got her hand slapped away when she came in and touched grandma.

It was clear that grandma was throwing an 80 something year old temper tantrum.  We went back into her room before we left and all loved on her a little more.  My heart changed as I looked at her and realized how hard it must be to have no control over her life.  She is at the whim of her children, has no say over what her body will do next and feels like a burden with no value. 

I was so wishing for our dog Abbie to be with us.  Grandma has always loved animals and it always delights her to have a soft dog cuddle with her.  Abbie, even though she is a puppy in intuitive at times with what people need.  Grandma would have enjoyed feeling her soft fur and getting a doggy kiss.

As I think of my grandma, knowing that likely, this will be the last time I see her alive(she is moving to the other side of the state tomorrow…maybe)I have so many regrets.  The largest is simply that she doesn’t share my faith and has no hope.  Another is that I never took the time to just sit with her and ask questions while she was lucid.  I want to know her but have been afraid of her pysical frailty.  I want to have the blessing of her life lessons passed on to me but was intimidated by her grumpy facade. 

I am grateful for learning these things.  I wish I didn’t learn them on her.  Today, I did get to tell her how much I loved her, something I do every time I see her.  Something I do with all of those who are dear to me. 

Finally, I think what I have taken away from today is simply this question.  How do I show my love, appreciation and the value of their wisdom to those who are old?  My love for the “old ones” has been kindled.  I will be an “old one” someday to and I hope that those around me will find my mind of value, even when my body is close to the grave.

I read a lot of blogs that feature a gratitude Friday posting and so I thought I would go with that thought.  I haven’t posted in a while and I am trying to take a closer look on a more regular occassion than in my past at all the things I’m thankful for.  Here are a few

~Today, C gets to have his cast taken off and he is so excited!  I’m excited for him!

~I have some of the best friends anyone could ever have.  They are so good at listening and empathizing while not throwing pity at my.  They are able to acknowlege “stuff” and encourage forward movement in life.  They don’t gossip and this has been tested with some pretty intense conversations and yet they hold each one close, look at it, roll it around and pray about it….they don’t tell anyone else.  Simpy unheard of!  They are all women who are Godly and people that make me strive to be a better woman!  Thanks girls for being terrific friends!

~I have a husband who loves me so much.  He is continually flexible (which is against his nature) with my always creating brain.  He loves me.  Did I already say that?

~I have a little girl who is tender hearted, ready to forgive my mistakes and loves to spend time with me.  We have picked up a new card game and she likes to play it!  Can you believe that?!?  No one else likes to play games with me.

~I have a little boy who loves to give great kisses and hugs.  He is easy going and loves to be with his family.

~The sky is the purest, riches blue today and makes me want to lay down on the floor in my sunroom and just day dream.  I live in a beautiful place that has lots of sunshine, seasons and the most beautiful mountains in the world.

~God loves me even though I am so darned flawed.  He cherishes me and is eternally patient with my untrusting and willful spirit. 

~What Mark Driscoll has to say — I download is podcasts and have been so challenged in my faith.  It is so great to hear someone make no apologese for who God is and what He has to say.

~Friday, I just love Friday.  I love it even more than the weekend.  It is a day that is full of promise for a few days of pure fun. 

~Paper.  I know that sounds strange but  with paper we can write a letter, make a note to remember something, fold it and create with it, draw on it, paint on it, wipe with it :0), cover a wall, make a fire, make a book, write a contract, etc.  Paper is a terrific tool and I just love using it in all sorts of ways.  BTW- my list above is not in any particular order if you get my drift.

~My Bible - It brings great comfort to me, always has a timely word or two for me to read, offers wisdom for my days but most of all give me insight into the character of an unfathomable God who is so big and awe inpsiring, yet stoops down to care about the little details.

I think that’s it for today. Happy Friday everyone!

Thanks to my friend Summer for the great questions..

2005 Questions

I need to clean my house.  I don’t want to….you know that, don’t you?  So, instead of cleaning my house, I am sitting here writing.  I don’t have much to say but alas, I will thow a word or two out there.

I am continuing to read “Captivating”.  I am enjoying it thoroughly.  I don’t think I would have been able to hear what it has to say 2 months ago.  I love spiritual growth.

Thanksgiving is almost here.  Let me see what am I thankful for this year?  I live in a place where I am free to worship, I have a prince charming of a husband, my daughter is healthy, sweet and wonderful, my son is healthy sweet and soooo funny, I have the best girlfriends on the planet, they are real and allow me to see into their lives and learn, I live in a home that I love, we have enough, we have a car that works and we can drive it when we like, I have 2 legs that walk, 2 lungs that breath, 2 kidneys that clean my blood, eyes to see, ears to hear, a nose ot smell (sometimes more than I’d like), a mouth to speak, I have all my hair, my body is healthy and works…yep I have a lot to be thinkful for.

What are you thankful for?  I’d love to know.